Microsoft Man

(with apologies to Meredith Willson)

by John Hargrave

from ZDNET’s Computer Stew:

“All aboard!”

“You’re crazy from the heat. Credit is no good to a software salesman.”

“Why not? What’s the matter with credit?”

“Why, it’s old fashioned! Charlie, you’re a server salesman. Your firm give credit?”

“No sir!”

“Hah hah! Nor any body else!”

“All aboard!”

Cash for the merchandise,

Cash for the hardware.

Cash for the software,

Cash for the firmware.

Cash for the Zip drive, floppy disk, CD-ROM.

Cash for the keyboards and the casing and the drive cable.

Whaddaytalk? Whaddaytalk? Whaddaytalk? Whaddaytalk?

Where da ya get it?

Whaddaytalk? Whaddaytalk?

You can talk, you can talk

You can bicker, you can talk

Bicker, bicker, bicker,

You can talk, you can talk,

You can talk, talk, talk, talk

Bicker, bicker, bicker,

Talk all you wanna

But it’s different than it was.

No it ain’t! No it ain’t!

But ya gotta know the territory!

Tschh tschh

tschh tschh

tschh tschh!

Why it’s Amazon.com made the trouble,

Made the people wanna buy,

Wanna sit, wanna sit,

Wanna sit down and buy.

Seven

Eight, nine, ten, twelve, fourteen, twenty-two,

Twenty-three bucks spent online.

Yes sir!

Who’s gonna patronize the

Little bitty two-by-four

kinda store any more?

Whaddaytalk? Whaddaytalk?

Where da ya get it?

Not the Amazon at all!

It’s the store, its the ecom store.

It’s the present day store.

It’s the present day, modern

Ecom, mercified,

Online store!

Whaddaytalk? Whaddaytalk? Whaddaytalk? Whaddaytalk?

Where da ya get it?

Whaddaytalk? Whaddaytalk?

Where da ya get it?

You can talk, you can talk

You can bicker, you can talk

Bicker, bicker, bicker,

You can talk, you can talk,

You can talk, talk, talk, talk

Bicker, bicker, bicker,

Talk all you wanna

But it’s different than it was.

No it ain’t!

But ya gotta know the territory!

Why, it’s the ebay.com

Made the trouble.

Ebay

Put the friction in the auction,

In the auction.

The ebay.com with the online, webified auction

Made the classifieds obsolete. Obsolete!

Obsolete!

Classifieds

Went out the window

With the paper, TV, VC-friggin’-R

Changed the approach of the media programmer

Made it pretty hard.

No it didn’t! No it didn’t!

But ya gotta know the territory!

Gone!

Gone!

Gone with the Zip drive, floppy disk, CD-ROM.

Gone with the typewriter, 8-track, postman.

Gone with the BetaMax, the vinyl and the tapes!

Ever meet a feller by the name of Bill?

Bill?

Bill?

Bill?

Bill?

Bill?

Bill?

Bill?

Bill?

--- No! ---

Jistaminnit! Jistaminnit! Jistaminnit!

Never heard of any chairman, Bill.

Now, he doesn’t know the territory.

Doesn’t know the territory?

What’s the fella’s line?

Never worries ’bout his line.

Never worries ’bout his line?

Or the classifieds bein’ obsolete.

Or the ebay.com with the

Online, webbified auction.

Or the Amazon.com.

Jistaminnit! Jistaminnit! Jistaminnit!

Never worries ’bout his line.

Never worries ’bout his line?

Or a doggone thing. He’s just a

Bang-beat, bell-ringin’

Big-haul, great-go

Neck-or-nothin’, rip-roarin’

Every-time-a-bull’s-eye salesman!

That’s the famous chairman Bill! Chairman Bill!

Yeah, but what’s his line? What’s his line?

He’s a fake! And he doesn’t know the territory!

Whaddaytalk? Whaddaytalk? Whaddaytalk? Whaddaytalk?

He’s Microsoft Man.

He’s a what?

He’s a what?

He’s Microsoft Man, and he sells OSs

To the kids in the town,

With the built-in browser

And the point-and-click mouse.

Just like Mac. Just like Mac!

And the Office Suite. The Office Suite

Is built right in, too,

With less and less competitors.

And, an upgrade every year.

Well, I don’t know much about bits,

But I do know

Ya can’t make a living selling

Operating systems! No sir!

Defrag programs, perhaps,

And here and there, a Solitaire.

No. The fella sells operating systems.

I don’t know how he does it,

But he lives like a king.

And he dallies and he gathers

And he plucks and he shines.

And, when the man dances,

Certainly, boys, what else?

The piper pays him!

Yesss sir!

But he doesn’t know the territory!